"It's about pain."
For many people it's about trust, surrender, attention and play. Pain is optional, and often absent.
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Curious is a perfectly good place to start
If you've wondered, fantasized or blushed at something you read, you are in very good company. This page takes you from curiosity to a first experience, one gentle step at a time, without pressure and without porn.
What BDSM actually is
BDSM is an umbrella for consensual play with power, sensation and restraint. The letters overlap on purpose:
- B & D
- Bondage and discipline
- D & s
- Dominance and submission
- S & M
- Sadism and masochism
Most people enjoy a small corner of it, and that corner can be very gentle: being held down, a blindfold, a firm voice, a playful spank. There is no level you have to reach.
You are not alone
Nearly two in three women in one large study had fantasized about being dominated.
Joyal, Cossette and Lapierre, Journal of Sexual Medicine (2014)
Four myths worth dropping
"The submissive has no power."
The submissive sets the limits and holds the safeword. Nothing happens without their yes.
"Wanting it means something is wrong."
Kinky fantasies are common. Studies have found BDSM practitioners are as psychologically healthy as anyone else.
"You need gear to start."
A scarf, a tie, your hands and a clear conversation are more than enough.
Six first steps
Take them in order, and take your time. There is no prize for speed.
Read The Code
Consent, safewords, limits and aftercare are the foundation. Read it here, it takes ten minutes.
Get to know your own fantasies
Write down, privately, what draws you in and what doesn't. Notice the feelings behind them: being cared for, being in charge, being surprised.
Fill in a starter list
Use the Yes / No / Maybe list below. If you have a partner, fill it in separately first.
Have the first conversation
Outside the bedroom, sober and relaxed. Share one or two things from your list, not all of it.
Start small
A blindfold, hands held above the head, soft cuffs rather than rope, a firm word. Fifteen to thirty minutes is plenty.
Look after each other
Aftercare straight away, and a check-in the next day: what felt good, what to change.
For couples
How to bring it up
The hardest part is often the first sentence. Choose a calm moment, not mid-argument and not mid-sex, and start with curiosity rather than a request.
Openers that work
- "I read something that made me curious. Can I tell you about it?"
- "Is there anything you've always wanted to try but never said?"
- "Would you fill in one of these lists with me, just to see?"
Planning a first scene
- Pick a time with no rush and no interruptions
- Agree your safewords out loud, and a non-verbal signal
- Choose two or three activities, all from your mutual yeses
- Decide who leads, and agree it can change
- Keep it short, and check in often
- Plan aftercare before you start
- Talk about it the next day
Want a guide through it? Our free seven-day plan for couples arrives one short lesson at a time.
Get the 7-day planYes / No / Maybe: the starter list
Fill it in on your own first, then compare. Your choices stay on this device and are never sent anywhere. Where you both say yes, you've found a starting point. Where one says maybe, you've found a conversation.
Members will be able to save lists, link them with a partner and see only the matches. Coming soon.
Thinking about a dedicated space?
When you're ready to go beyond the bedroom, the Playroom Designer helps you plan a room that fits your home and keeps your secret.